Pain and me

I live with pain. 

Pain rules my life as a kind dictator. It limits what I can do and how much I enjoy things. But it also makes me reflect on my lifestyle and builds my resilience to loss. 

There are many things I do to manage my pain – never in the hope it will simply just go. If you spend time with me, you know I am constantly stretching or in weird positions. I know a lot about how persistent pain works. I got rid of it countless times, never for long of course. 

It moves through my body every few days or weeks. It goes up and down. It interacts with tiredness, fatigue, stress, anxiety and whatever mental state I am in. 

It’s such a a big part of my experience that I feel quite neutral about it. How do we feel about having to eat, sleep or go to the toilet? We don’t feel much unless we think about it. Pain is the same for me; I could experience pain all day and work at it and don’t reflect much on it.

Pain has become an existential reality check for me. I am under no illusions that my body has accelerated its decay now. Illness and disability are not alien concepts for me now. It has prepared for worse, which may arrive with age. 

Sometimes I am upset about it. I despair. I wish I was healthier and stronger to parent my daughter. 

But often I am grateful. It has brought me back to my body. It drew attention to my mental suffering. 

Thank you pain. 

And also f**** you, but let’s keep going